


Commercial Use Authorization

by dragonofeternal



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Extra Treat, Gen, Pre-Canon, Trick or Treat: Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 09:56:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16427183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonofeternal/pseuds/dragonofeternal
Summary: Duck busts Ned for conducting unauthorized tours.





	Commercial Use Authorization

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Panny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Panny/gifts).



"Okay, Ned, now we've been over this." 

Ned grinned, holding up a hand to pacify Ranger Duck, as though he was dealing with a wild animal that could be talked down through sheer chutzpah. "Now, now, Ranger… There is nothing wrong with a man and five to thirty of his closest friends who have paid an admittance fee of fifteen dollars as a show of their gratitude going on a nature walk through our beautiful national forests, discussing the strange and eerie histories of Kepler along the way." 

Duck pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath. "Okay, yeah, there's nothing wrong with takin' your friends on a nature walk, but you literally just admitted to me that you charged 'em an entry fee, and that's illegal. If you're charging a fee, you gotta file for a Commercial Use Authorization with the National Parks Service, and Ned I know you don't have a CUA on file with us or I'd have seen it." 

"When do we get to hear about Mothman?" asked a man in the crowd. 

"Ooooh, don't worry," Ned said, turning from Duck for a moment . "We'll get to the Moth Man in due time!" 

"Now-" Duck made a noise of exasperation. "Mothman's from Point Pleasant, that's like four an' a half hours west of here. Ned, you can't _do_ this, and I don't wanna have to call the cops on you. You know Sheriff Zeke don't like you. Why don't you just take these nice people back to the Cryptonomica, give 'em some t-shirts to say sorry, and call it a day." 

The rag tag group of tour patrons glanced nervously at each other at the mention of calling the police, murmuring angrily amongst themselves. Ned cracked a wider, nervous smile, realizing that he was quickly losing control of the situation. "Now, now, Duck, just because you don't believe in the supernatural… "

"I don't disbelieve in the supernatural just cuz I say that Mothman isn't from Kepler, he's- Ned, he's from a different part of the state. You can't bring people to Kepler and promise 'em Mothman, it don't work like that. Just like you can't charge people money to take part in the majesty of what their tax dollars give 'em for free." Duck put his hand on his radio in half-empty threat. "This is your last warning before I radio for someone to call the sheriff." 

Ned clapped his hands, addressing the crowd. "Aaaaand that's gonna do it for us for today's Woodland Weird Walk! 'I survived the Woodland Weird Walk' shirts are available back at the Cryptonomica, and my assistant Kirby will take care of you there!" When cries of protest arose, Ned shrugged them off, waving people back down the trail with smiles and assurances and all the buttery snake oil promises they cared to hear. When the disappointed tourists were almost gone from sight, Ned's plastic smile slid off, and he scowled at Duck. "You couldn't have just let me finish?" 

"I've told you before Ned, if you want to use the Monongahela National Forest you have to file all the paperwork and get the National Park Service to sign off on it. It's not something I can just smile and handwave away for a friendly local character." Duck sighed heavily, looking at a loss for what to say now. 

This wasn't like this was the first time he'd had to chastise Ned for doing weird shit in the woods, and it probably wouldn't be the last either. Still, it was hard to hate Ned Chicane for trying to do… whatever it was Ned did. Bring business, sort of, and beyond that Duck still sorta felt like he owed Ned for having hidden that dumb talking sword in a back room where it couldn't annoy the crap out of him anymore.

Ned, for his part, looked equally annoyed at having had his latest ingenious scheme shot down so quickly. "You know, I just got those Woodland Weird Walk t-shirts printed." 

"Well, Ned, that's not my problem. If you wanna apply for a CUA, then we can make it work." Duck shifted awkwardly and tried to give a smile to lighten the mood. "Look, how about I give you a consolation prize, a weird bit of Kepler for you to spin up for the Cryptonomica, would that make ya feel better?" 

Ned gave Duck a suspicious look, but his eyes lit up. "I thought you didn't believe in all this crap?" 

"I don't," Duck lied. "But I grew up around these parts, and I know the kind of dumb spooky stories people tell. So, here's one for ya- when you're wandering around the Monongahela National Forest at night, there's a chance you'll run into a spooky scary monster," he wiggled his fingers at Ned and did a poor job of attempting to adopt a fireside ghost story voice. "It's a pale white in the light of the moon, and it screams like a woman dying in terrible agony. People say it's the transfigured ghost of a pioneer woman who died trying to settle here, or that it's a demonic hell beast out to drag people off to the bad place." He dropped the spooky act, because, well, that just wasn't him. "They're mountain lions, Ned. Not as common nowadays, but there's still a chance you might see one on a walk or hear 'em screaming off in the night. Just enough truth to get people thinking the Cryptonomica might not be all bunk." 

Ned looked surprisingly touched. "Well… well, thank you, Duck. You know, that might be enough that I could put together an exhibit- the White Demon of the Mon! Get some t-shirts, a few blurry cougar pics..." 

"You're welcome, Ned," Duck said with a certain amount of finality, gesturing down the path with his walky-talky. "Now get the heck outta here, and file your damn CUA before you try to lead any more tours in my forest."


End file.
